The Query Letter All Writers Want to Write ... But Don't Have the Squareballs

By Steve Kayser, Squareballs Entertainment


One particular day, after receiving a rejection letter (the first among many that I’ve never acknowledged) I got a little ticked. I mean, c'mon, I just spent three months banging out 120 pages of the best screenplay America has never seen.

A classic.

A beaut.


Super SWEEEEEEEEET!


I mean Robert McKee would actually be nice to me if he read it. He'd call Acceptance Bridge "a symphonic unity in which structure, setting, character, genre, and idea meld seamlessly." Ok. probably not. But Robert McKee has been nice to me before. Did a story with me. Mentioned something about being charitable to any mentally challenged screenwriters in Cincinnati.


AHHHHHH


Acceptance Bridge.


It has the heart of “Rocky,” the cherubic innocence of “Forrest Gump” and the underlying spirituality of “Gandhi.” (You are now getting very, very sleepy ... think “Acceptance Bridge,” and get your checkbook out.)

A quick sale for sure.


I'll be fair and take mid-seven figures against eight.


Win-win!


That's my motto.


But ... what do I get?


A form letter.


You know you work hard... and you really do get rewarded.


But... it wasn't just any form letter.


A little, personalized, scribbled note was attached.

It said,

“You're a good writer, but no real producer would touch this. Too much spirituality at the end. Think more commercial. How about bankers ripping off some people? And chases. Car crashes. Viruses. Diseases. They're big right now. Oh - special effects. Magic. Need that too. Movies are all about special effects now. Don’t be such a smart writer. Dumb it down some. Get some reviews from someone too - someone with a title would be great. Define what demographic market your film appeals to, what merchandising opportunities and ancillary revenue streams could be available.”


Okay, reasonable advice. Right? It was followed by this little mentoring tidbit.


Cartoons as Structure


"Watch cartoons to guide your story structure - they do it best. And watch movies where animals are the stars. Those are great dialogue-reducers. Relate it to movies you know. Something you can make a snap judgment on. Like “Legally Blonde” meets “Gandhi.” I am busy you know. Send me another query when you think you can meet my needs."

Squareballs Ponders Reasonable Advice

Dialogue-reducers?


Meet his needs?


Dumb it down?


Basement Balcony Beckons


I stifled the urge to hurl myself off the basement balcony. It was tough. Really.


I bit my tongue, but did not overdose on 33 cheese coneys with extra onions, peanut butter, chocolate jelly (my favorite), mayonnaise, jalapenos and nuclear hot sauce.


However, being the consummate professional ... I felt the need to follow up on his kind offer. In a very professional manner.


Here's what I wrote back … and just for yucks, sent out to 50 other producers. (You think I'm kidding?)
_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Omniscient, All-Seeing, All-Knowing, Producer:

I have a recently completed screenplay titled "Pig and Turkey” - a classic como-drama that I would like to submit to your company for consideration.

Dialogue Reducers Introduced


Think Babe and Woody Woodpecker freeing Willie.

A pig and a turkey join together to save their farm from an unscrupulous banker who is trying to foreclose on the property because he wants to turn it into a non-profit gambling casino.

Brings in the Banker and Disease Simultaneously (and brilliantly I might add)


The banker leaks to the press that "Mad Turk’s Disease" has infested the animals on the property.

Mad Turk’s Disease is an awful virus that makes your hair and nails fall out, causes you to get really disgustingly big facial warts, engenders disgustingly bad breath and uncontrollable flatulence.

The Dastardly Banker


The banker tricks them into jumping the Grand Canyon on a tricycle with two wheels saying he will stop foreclosure if they complete the leap. The leap is televised worldwide (Pay Per View).


The dastardly banker saws the ramp in half and Pig and Turkey are hurled head and beak-first into the Grand Canyon to a certain death.

A terrible, gut-wrenching moment, sure to bring tears to anyone with the least bit of a heart.


Magic and Special Effects Covered


Just when Death opens its jaws wide to receive them, Turkey finds her wings and transmogrifies like a caterpillar into ... … a bald eagle, but not just any bald eagle.

“Eagle Kneivel”

saving Pig and their farm.

Brings in Joseph Campbell


Pig and Turkey fight heroically to save their home and way of life while exhibiting upstanding morals and fulfilling the heroes’ mythical journey.

Pig and Turkey Fast and Furious (see the sequel potential you visionaries?)


Pig and Turkey zoom toward an unbelievable climax in a 32-car chase scene throughout 51 states (including Puerto Rico).


Great Review
My great-grandmother, Elsie Grunewald, a retired English teacher and author of 11 unpublished novels, thoroughly reviewed the screenplay and thought it was the best thing she’s read since “War and Peace” By Leonardo Coldstoy.

She has prepared in-depth critiques and analyses for your review, and she has also meticulously choreographed the camera shots. POV by POV.


Tremendous Opportunity Spelled Out


To whom may I send this terrific, sure to be a runaway Academy Award winner nominee, 297 1/2 page screenplay?


Oops – Almost Forgot Demographics and Ancillary Revenue Streams

And ... did I forget to mention that it will appeal to the family audience and has great ancillary market revenue potential utilizing dolls, toys, bacon, lettuce, and turkey sandwiches sold through ... probably McDonald's?

Regards, Steve


P.S. Contact me at my Grandma's house. Collect.

Now is that a piece of work or what?

Sucks doesn't it?

I got 10 requests to read the damn thing.

About Steve Kayser


Although Steve has won multiple screenwriting awards and publishes an award-winning B2B e-zine with 135,000 subscribers, he is currently busy recruiting handsome, intelligent, bilingual pigs to audition for the lead part in “Pig and Turkey.”


If you are a handsome, intelligent, bilingual pig and are looking to break into acting, this may be your big chance. Contact Steve at skbigm@gmail.com


****Disclaimer****


NO EGOS! Must be able to get along with a turkey who saves the day … at least until Thanksgiving!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Old Blood and Guts - Through a Glass Darkly

Image
We've moved to a new site - WritingRiffs.com Appreciate you checking this article out at WritingRiffs.com . We'll be deleting all the content on this site over the next few weeks. Thanks! Steve He was charming. Reckless. Brilliant. Rash. Kind and callous. Vicious and violent Yet gentle and a gentleman. Prayed on his knees but cussed like a sailor. His men called him “Old Blood and Guts." When Life Was Worth Less Than Zero This complex man, commanding and savagely fighting during the murderous madness of World War II, when life was worth less than zero, believed himself to be a warrior of old. Of other times. Other places. Many times - many places. He thought about it. Spoke about it. Wrote about it. But hardly anyone remembers ... lost to another time, another place. Magnetic. Majestic. His poem, "Through A Glass Darkly," is an amazing testament to and from a warrior. Each time I read it I marvel at the complex sagacity and intellectual magnificence of this...
Read more

So This is Christmas ... What Have You Done?

Image
So fast. Another year past. 2007 gone. 2008 soon upon. Questions How did you do? What did you do? What did you do that really mattered? Have you even thought about it that way? Or … Were You Just Too Busy? Have you considered how precious and fleeting each moment is? How each breath is an amazing blessing extending our existence on this blue-green magical orb called earth? An earth that travels through space at over 1,000 miles per hour and moves around the sun at 67,000 miles per hour? Too Much to Do Or did you have too much to do to wonder at that? I did. Have you considered that if the expansion rate of the universe was changed by one part in a trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion, faster or slower, life on earth would not exist? Too Many E-mails Or did you have too many e-mails to think about that? My inbox was pretty much always full. A Really Big Inch Did you know that if a measuring tape were stretched across the universe and segmented in one-inch increments (bi...
Read more

Social Media News Room Examples

Image
I visited a lot of social media newsrooms (SMN's) for the "Social Media News Releases Are Absolutely Worthless" article. Below are examples of real newsrooms engaged in real business, and just not some theoretical treatises on the joys and efficacies of a social media newsroom concept. The companies spread out among different industries - a fairly decent cross-section. The Big Bang I saw a lot of SMN's that started out with a hot flash, big bang ... then stopped. They haven't been updated for months, if at all. Why? Novelty? Too much work? Risk? No results? Not enough digital assets? Part or all of those things? Don't know. I'll take a shot at it though. It's related to "doing the work." It's a lot of hard work pulling all the content, multi-media and social news sharing capabilities together without making yourself "look a fool." The Hard Work is not the Hard Work And the hard work part is not the hard work. Creating or...
Read more